Anniversary Grief

 September 19, 2010…

I felt down all day yesterday, my son reminded me that it is the anniversary of the death of our beloved Tinkerbell.  I have never in my life felt so bereft, so forlorn.   I guess this is the closest I will ever come to knowing how it feels to lose a child. And of course, I can’t know what that feels like, and for that I am grateful.  But I am also mourning the loss of my companion, my end of the day welcome home Greeter.   He was my baby, my pet, my sugar.  He never betrayed me; he never needed to forgive me, he always loved me unconditionally.  Who else in my life can I say that about?. 

He has been gone for one year.  I no longer cry when I walk through the door expecting to see him; I no longer look behind me to see if he is coming when I let the other dogs out.  I do, however, occasionally glance in the laundry room, expecting him to be watching me from the corner.  Sometimes when I wake in the night, I look to see if he wants down from the bed to get a drink of water, and too many times, I see his picture jump up on my screensaver, and I feel the moisture in my eyes, he was my baby, my little one.

I do cry now, when I think of all the joy he brought me.  I will never forget him.  He was my first full blooded chihuahua and he was everything I thought he would be.  I will always miss him.  There is no replacement.

I love you, Tinkerbell, and you will always be in my heart.  I don’t think of him as dead, I think of him as watching from the Rainbow Bridge, playing now with Biscuit, Bandit, Roscoe and Pepper, Taffy, Pinky, Ling-Toi, Tiger, Droopy, Maggie, and A.J.  All the dogs I have loved and lost, some lived with me, some lived with my children, but all were special and I believe they all are waiting for the day that we decide to join them. 

I can only imagine.